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Joke(s) of the Day Keep it family friendly here...

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Old 06-28-2016, 02:48 PM
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jokes

Now for the strong at heart and stomach :-) .... A vampire walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "A cup of boiling water, please."
The bartender, confused and scared, walks up with the water and says, "I thought vampires drank blood..."
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, it's tea time."

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My Mafia Godfather found out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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What is black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.


The Mafia leader told his right hand man, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup.
Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.
The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup.
So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time.
The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom.
He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."


I was invited to a party and they told me to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack was not what they had in mind.

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What is a good slogan for an abortion clinic? Jim's BBQ and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce.


A man comes home and walks into the bedroom and sees his wife in bed with his best friend. The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him.
The wife shouts, "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"


A man goes to the zoo and whilst standing in front of a gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the man senseless.
When the man came to his senses he was filled with rage, and he decided to report the incident to the zookeeper. After listening to the story the zookeeper started nodding. He explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fck you!" in gorilla language.
The explanation didn't satisfy the man at all and he vowed revenge upon the gorilla.
So the next day he decided purchased two large kitchen knives, two bras, two eye patches, and a large sausage.
After the man stuck the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a knife, a bra, and an eye patch on the ground.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on the bra.
The gorilla looked at him closely, then looked at the bra, and decided to wear it.
Next, the man put the eye patch on his right eye. So the gorilla also picked up his eye patch and did the same.
Then the man pulled out his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half with full force.
Startled the gorilla looked at the knife, then down at his own crotch, then he looked at the man with anger, and he pulled down his eyelid.
__________________
“We are all capable of believing things which we know to be untrue, and then, when we are finally proved wrong, impudently twisting the facts so as to show that we were right. Intellectually, it is possible to carry on this process for an indefinite time: the only check on it is that sooner or later a false belief bumps up against solid reality, usually on a battlefield.”
—George Orwell, 1946


"The race may not always be to the swift nor the victory to the strong, but that's how you bet." - or - that's how the smart money bets...attributed to Damon Runyon
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