Sounds Right

Big Cheese · #1 04-01-2014, 05:54 PM

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
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My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
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I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
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Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.