Why?

Stu Gotz · #1 07-07-2007, 05:51 PM

I have just about 4 months clean. That is how long I have been out of jail. I have a great job, a brand new scoot, a relationship with my 9 year old daughter, my siblings, and my Mom. I have all of these blessings in my life after almost 25 years of drug abuse. I know that if I ever pick up again I will lose everything again, not to mention probably my life. I attend meetings regularly, I have a sponser, and attend church twice weekly, and only surround myself with fellow addicts in recovery and family. So knowing that all of these things are only a by-product of my sobriety and what the consequences would be, I went lookin for dope last night. I was out crusin and ended up ridin by all my old dope holes. Luckily by the grace of God I wasnt succesful. All it would of took was the nod of a head and I know that I would have used. After a while of "lookin" I got a call to meet a few bros from the rooms, I was so relieved. I went to dinner with them and went home. Today I went to work and came straight home. I have plans with these same folks tonite but until then I am scared to leave the house. Did any of you guys have these same feelings? It is easier to admit this here than to anyone else. I hope it doesnt come off as whining, but I really need advice. Thanks.

Highmiles · #2 07-07-2007, 06:21 PM

Stu,

I have never been where you are. I can only imagine how hard it is, and I bet my imagination doesn't even come close. I can't give you any advice, but I can tell you I will pull for you all I can, and offer up prayers on a regular basis. As you know, it all falls on you, but it can't hurt to have people in your corner.

swmnkdinthervr · #3 07-07-2007, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stu Gotz

I have just about 4 months clean. That is how long I have been out of jail. I have a great job, a brand new scoot, a relationship with my 9 year old daughter, my siblings, and my Mom. I have all of these blessings in my life after almost 25 years of drug abuse. I know that if I ever pick up again I will lose everything again, not to mention probably my life. I attend meetings regularly, I have a sponser, and attend church twice weekly, and only surround myself with fellow addicts in recovery and family. So knowing that all of these things are only a by-product of my sobriety and what the consequences would be, I went lookin for dope last night. I was out crusin and ended up ridin by all my old dope holes. Luckily by the grace of God I wasnt succesful. All it would of took was the nod of a head and I know that I would have used. After a while of "lookin" I got a call to meet a few bros from the rooms, I was so relieved. I went to dinner with them and went home. Today I went to work and came straight home. I have plans with these same folks tonite but until then I am scared to leave the house. Did any of you guys have these same feelings? It is easier to admit this here than to anyone else. I hope it doesnt come off as whining, but I really need advice. Thanks.

It ain't whinin' when ya realize ya need a hand and ya ask for it...

I've been "sober" a long time but tomorrow all that could change, all I have to do is decide to get high, sounds kinda simple...it's important for us to have a network of sober folks like you have that we can contact when we're challenged and we can't allow anything to get in the way of that call/contact...fear used properly can be a great motivator, next time call someone. Cunning, baffling, powerful aren't just catch words...they are a pretty accurate description of the overwhelming power of our addictions. Every time you get the urge, play the tape all the way to the end...remind yourself of the cost of your addictions in the past and imagine what you have to lose this time. I've been scared sh!tless by the urge to go out and tie one on...there's a promise of a better life (a miracle if ya like) and I'm here to tell ya it's real...don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle.

Stop in here often, we'll all lend each other any time we're in need, whether you know it or not your post is a great help to us all...this is a brotherhood we can't live without!!!

Stu Gotz · #4 07-07-2007, 06:38 PM

Thanks for the kind words guys. I know that I am truly powerless over this. I am scared to death to use again. Fear is probably the main reason I am still sober. But at the same time my "sick" mind wants to rebel against that fear and be in control. I am not jokin when I said I am "holed" up in the house. Pride is screwing with me. I just want that urge to go away. I know I am on the right road it is just so hard at times.

#5 07-07-2007, 07:04 PM

I wish I knew what to say to you. I have not been in your shoes. Remember you have us ( well that aint sayin much) I wish you the best .

I think just sitting around thinking about it is not good. You need to find something to keep your mind occupied.

ms_tapestry · #6 07-07-2007, 07:12 PM

I haven't been where you are either, but one thing I took note of. . . you were tempted but you didn't give in. Well done. . . thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs!

BigBurger · #7 07-07-2007, 07:41 PM

With God all things are possible. He can heal you and keep you safe.
I am living proof.

Dinero · #8 07-07-2007, 08:13 PM

Once you wrestle with the Devil, you will realize you need a little help from the posse.

We are that posse.

You did good in not scoring and we both know that while you struck out, deep down you wanted to. You could have. That was you keeping you away.

Just keep making the right choice when it comes up. It will get easier, but you should already know, it will never go away.

Call the posse.

Drifting Easy · #9 07-07-2007, 09:31 PM

Try to focus on the positive things in your life since you have quit and take pride in those accomplishments thats what will get you threw the tough times and if you can fight off those urges thats also something to be proud of. But ultimately YOU are the only one who can change your situation for better or worse

FXDRYDR · #10 07-08-2007, 08:38 AM

You're strong or you wouldn't be fighting it. Others have successfully gone through what you're dealing with and you're not alone. Keep fighting the fight.

dynageno · #11 07-08-2007, 10:09 AM

The first year was very hard for me Stu. You get flare ups at 3, 6, 9 months. Think, think, Think! play the whole movie in your head about not just getting high, but what happens afterwords. The guilt the remorse, the getting busted and hear them iron doors slam shut again. It's not easy, but stick with the winners and you'll be alright! meetings, meetings, meetings, get and call your sponser. work them steps, they work and will keep you clean and sober! talk with the AA And NA people here, we are here to help! good luck...

Stu Gotz · #12 07-08-2007, 12:51 PM

Thank all of you so much! After living the way I have for so long it is sometimes hard to open up and trust others. I have to learn to FEEL again. I was numb for so long that it is all new to me. I am OK today. I took all the advice given here and from the sober community. I shared how I felt and the pain was lifted. Its amazing how such a wonderful "miracle" can be extracted from such misery. Thank you for all your prayers and support.

Keeper · #13 07-11-2007, 05:50 AM

Does your sponsor ride?

Are you contacting your sponsor when you feel like using?

Keep that fear you feel front and center in your mind. Make it a good thing, make it work for you, not against you.

Ride free

Red Rider · #14 07-11-2007, 06:06 AM

Stu, I have had very similar struggles. I can tell you though that God is more powerful than our addictions, and sin. And, he wants to help. Go to HIm often, not just church, but talk to him like man to man. Let Him know you're pissed, hurt, scared - even angry at Him if that's how you feel. He's in the business of rebuilding broken men - I won't tell you it'll be easier, but he'll give you more strength to overcome. I've put my trust in Him a long time ago and I can tell you, I can't wait until the day we all ride with the Lord in a place where there ain't no pain. You're here with us now, hope your there with us then. When you hurt, we all hurt Stu, we're pullin for ya.

vindex1963 · #15 07-13-2007, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stu Gotz

I attend meetings regularly, I have a sponser, and attend church twice weekly, and only surround myself with fellow addicts in recovery and family. So I got a call to meet a few bros from the rooms, I was so relieved. I went to dinner with them and went home. I have plans with these same folks tonite but until then I am scared to leave the house. Did any of you guys have these same feelings? It is easier to admit this here than to anyone else. I hope it doesnt come off as whining, but I really need advice. Thanks.

Yes, yes and yes. I dove head first into anything that kept me busy. Don't let yourself get bored. You are doing the right things but you need to "learn" how to be sober.
Remember it took you 25 years to get where you are today.